I’m not feeling so great today, In fact I feel pretty down in the dumps. Nothing in particular has made me sad today but anything that goes wrong makes me feel like crying. It just so happens that there have been a few things going wrong today. 
I worked today from 7am-2:30pm and it wasn’t that bad. It was rather slow today which is sad because I like being busy but I kept myself busy cleaning and what not. My feet were hurting pretty bad by the time I was done and I was exhausted. I don’t know what’s wrong with me but I haven’t been sleeping well lately. Which is why I’m blogging at 12am right now when I’ve been up since 6am. Any who, I got home and got in the shower and got dressed and promptly passed out on the bed. Crying myself to sleep. That’s another story for another paragraph. Anyway, since I just got out of the shower when I woke up I had what I have affectionately called “Meringue Hair” because it’s super big and voluminous, fluffy and bouncy. Anyway, that’s not something that made me sad I just decided since I started slinging pies that meringue hair is a good describer of this affliction. Moving on…
So the reason why I fell asleep crying is because I’m having a hard time. I feel alone. Despite having Tristan & family here… I just feel alone. That is not to say that I wasn’t alone on Cape Cod because I was. I didn’t hang out with anybody, I didn’t talk on the phone, I didn’t do anything really but work and go home… but this feels different. Like I’m disconnected from everything and that sucks. So I fell asleep today crying, partially because I feel disconnected and alone and partially because I was exhausted.
I’ve been talking to my good friend Jesse lately. I’ve known him since kindergarten and it’s nice to have a friend that knows you that well. When my asshole of an ex wouldn’t go to prom with me, Jesse took me. Here is the only photo I have, it’s kind of damaged because it was taped to glass for some reason. Anyway, I’ve been talking to him lately. He lives in Florida so we don’t see each other or hang out but it’s nice to have somebody to talk to about everything in my head. Like me, he hasn’t been sleeping well either so we find ourselves online chatting occasionally. At any rate, he was a real life saver today and cheered me up with lots of smileys. 
Here is a picture of us from the Memorial Day parade when I was in elementary school. He is in front of me breaking my heart talking to another girl. Oh sadness. It’s kind of hard to make out detail because my scanner is missing the power cord (also my printer and fax. hoorah.) so I had to take the picture with my digital in the album. At any rate, it’s a good photo if you can blow it up to see it. Proof that we go way back.
So I suppose that’s all for me today. Tristan is waiting for me to come to bed and not sleep. However, I’m going to try to learn Spanish because it’s pretty essential job tool to have in California so I put it on my I-pod and I’m going to try to fall asleep learning Spanish.
P.S. Maybe tomorrow I’ll actually take my Prozac and give you something better to read. HAH!
I think part of your feeling disconnected is your age, and I don’t mean that in a bad way. I had Cody when I was 20, but before that I felt exactly the way you’ve described. I wasn’t married, and when I told people I was having her they were shocked that I would do that, and I said, “Why? I have absolutely nothing else I’m doing, I have no political aspirations that a baby would ruin, and I want my own family. So why the hell not?” Having her made me feel grounded and gave me some direction. Because seriously, before that I felt like I had little reason to get up in the morning.
I saw on your meme that you want to be a mom some day. So ( I may get really criticized for saying this) but is it wrong for me to suggest that once you have a baby these feelings will evaporate? Maybe knowing that, and working towards that in the near future, might give you a focus? (And don’t everybody yell at me for telling someone to have a baby! I’m just telling about MY personal experience.)
Also, do you think it’s hormones? Cody gets just awful PMS that sends her into depression. She’d probably kill me for posting that on the Internet. But it’s true.
Oh, and the sleeping thing is something that women seem to have after childhood. I swear to god, I don’t know a woman who sleeps well. It really sucks.
@ Wendy – This made me laugh out loud – I loved your response and I loved trying to picture Cody’s face as she reads this.
Thank you for the advice though – having a blog to rant and let it out helps and it helps to have people share their stories and helpful advice. 
I used to sleep really well so it’s only been lately that I haven’t been sleeping. I think actually taking my Prozac will help with the whole not feeling depressed thing (har-har) but for some reason every morning it totally slips my mind. Oh well!
As far as hormones go you are sort of right – the doctor thinks I have a thyroid problem and a side effect is weight gain, depression, etc. So Hopefully that is the case and I can get some lifetime medication and be hunky dorey.
Having a baby would be great! I want nothing more than that out of life but at the moment I’m trying to get Tristan stabilized, and then myself and then maybe we’ll be ready for a baby. We both really want one but… it’s just not in the cards for right now. Hopefully soon, but not now. Plus it might help to be making a little more than minimum wage. But I’m all about your method of solving things! Ha- ha! I would love it… unfortunately I have to wait it out.