2. : not advancing or developing
I feel stuck and unmoving. No growth, no movement, just a quiet calm that’s settling in and shutting me down. It’s scary and peaceful at the same time.
The first part of this post, the definition was written down about three hours ago. Then this post sat open, not advancing or developing for three hours. How’s that for irony? Half way through that point, despondent with my situation I fell asleep. When I woke up I told a friend of mine that I feel like a bear. Since I don’t like to drink or party (my dad says I’m antisocial… I think I’ve just outgrown that scene) I just sleep. I’ll fall asleep at any point in the day or night, and I wont be tired I’ll just sleep out of boredom.
Hibernating, stagnating. Perhaps that is my problem… with this season, this New England hell they call winter, part of me shuts down. Re-evaluates the history lessons and prepares for the growth of spring. I don’t want to be that way I don’t want to shut down for the winter. Is it time for a move? Should I be preparing myself for a new life in another place? This is a question I’ve been wrestling with for some time now. The problem is that I love New England. It’s my home, it’s beautiful for the most part and I’ve grown up here. That wouldn’t be a problem for most but it is for me because it’s not healthy for me to be here. My friends have long since left this peninsula and I am here alone now. Just me and my father and my work.
Oh work… now would be a good time to mention that we have a new manager and he has a long standing history of not liking me on a personal level. Suddenly I’ve gone 5 years with no disciplinary actions to being on final job warning. For what? I couldn’t tell you. Mostly fake complaints called in, a few instances of not performing but those were fake too… the worst part? I can’t go anywhere with it because his superior wants me out for monetary purposes. It’s all really… bullshit.
So here I am at the beginning of New England winter (it’s pouring outside right now at a balmy 43 degrees… it’ll be ice by morning I’m sure) facing unemployment, hours severely cut back (by 12 hours a week!) no friends around and all I want to do? Sleep.
So what do I do? Where do I go from here? I hate feeling stagnant but I’m not sure of the right move to make yet. I am a lazy dog watching the world go by without moving her head, when I get tired of that I sigh and fall asleep.
Two roads diverged in a wood… and I … sleep in the tree at the cross section. Time to wake up and pick a path.