Trying My Patience
30 Jan 2011 Leave a Comment
in Anxiety, Cabin Fever, Cape Cod, Gripes, Grocery List Tags: Anxiety, Barenaked Ladies, Grocery Stores, Irritation, New England, Patience, Pinch Me, SAD, Self Checkout, social anxiety disorder
I don’t know what it is… maybe it’s winter in New England, maybe it’s just me but lately, every little thing grates my nerves. I think it’s because of my month of solitude now that I have to go into the general public I’m irritated by the littlest, stupidest things.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store. In the parking lot I was irritated by the man with the vehicle shopping cart. You know the one… anyway the man was 
walking his cart back to the store which is fine and dandy. I stopped my car to let him cross even though there is no crosswalk, I’m just a nice girl like that I suppose. The elderly gentleman cranks his cart on two wheels and goes down my right side between the car and the curb and scowls at me! What the hell? I stopped let you cross, now I can’t turn right into the parking lane, and I can’t move forward and I can’t let you cross in front of me because you are so awkwardly positioned between my car and the curb. It was so bizarre to me and I found myself stewing over it for at least five minutes after he left and I parked my car.
Once inside the grocery store I felt fine enough I guess, (Pinch Me song lyrics popping into your head too?) I grabbed a hand basket, grabbed the onion buns for my father’s pulled pork, made my way to get some blueberries and what not, you know I did the grocery store thing. I saw a family friend and chatted it up for a little while (small town living!!!) and then continued on my way. I was TOTALLY FINE until I got to the self checkout.
I like the self checkout because there are never any lines, I don’t have to make small talk with the awkward cashiers, I don’t have to feel frustrated when the baggers put my bread underneath the soda and I can generally keep to myself. Now I get to the self checkout and I scanned a reusable bag I wanted to buy. I need a tote to carry school books around and this one was really cute it says “I <3 Earth” on it. For $.99 (does anybody know how to make the cent sign? I like the cent sign, but unless you can insert a symbol [livewriter won’t let me for some reason] I don’t know how to make it) it’s a great deal to carry around school notebooks and books. Anyway, I’m getting off topic. So I scan this bag and I move it to the belt as instructed. Only the belt sensors can’t tell it’s made it to the end so it starts flashing and shuts down and says I have to wait for an attendant. I have no idea why this sets me off but it does. I hate when that belt shuts down and impedes my speedy progress. I shift my weight back on my heel, cross my arms and let out a sigh as I look around for help. Body language much? Man I am a wench! 
Usually the checkout attendant is standing at the foot of my belt watching my every move but there isn’t an attendant in sight. The light is flashing, the machine voice is telling me to please wait for an assistance and I’m panicking in my head. I’m honestly considering packing up all of my stuff and fleeing to the next self checkout. I should tell you that all this is going on in the span of maybe thirty seconds. I see the attendant hustling over from the customer service desk, I don’t know what he was doing I don’t care I’m annoyed it’s taken him this long to come over. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!?
He comes over and scans his card to clear me for progress and I mumble an agitated thank you and he resumes his position at the foot of the belt. Hurredly, annoyed at how much time has been lost (all of a minute maybe) I press the “PLU lookup” code that’s usually used for produce, but since I’m a savvy shopper I also know that’s where the button is found for “I forgot my card” and it puts in a store card for you. (Stop & Shop has this, Shaw’s does not!) It’s the top button on the left, and like I said because I’m savvy I can usually do this move in 2 seconds flat and then the computer takes a while to register what button I’ve just hit.
The machine must know that I’m agitated because I hear the voice say “Enter Amount of Broccoli” WTF!!!!! BROCOLLI is the button underneath the “I forgot my card” button. I hit cancel, probably with more force than is necessary and g
o back to the PLU lookup menu, the kindly, awkward attendant timidly steps over and says “it takes a while for the menu to pull up, if you give it a second it will register the card button and that won’t happen.” I feel badly for what happened next. I mumble something to the effect of “I know that” and I feel like the look I gave him probably gave off fire. I feel so badly for the way I probably snapped my head around to glare. I seriously want to send an apology card to this poor attendant. He was literally trying to help but all I could think was “STFU! Who are you to tell me how to use this simple machine!? I know what I’m doing it’s the computer that’s slow and wrong! Not me!” Um who is he? He’s the guy that’s trained to help the people like me when we mess up on these ridiculously easy self checkouts. 
After that he stepped away, I scanned all my stuff and this guy… this guy even after how rude I’ve been comes forward and still bags my stuff in my reusable bag. He bags it perfectly putting the buns on top and quietly walks away. 
I realize how horridly I’ve behaved and I collect my receipt and my reusable bag of groceries and I walk over to him and say “Thank you for bagging my stuff.” I should have said “Sorry I’m horrible in public and treated you rudely, and thank you for doing your job.” but I didn’t because I don’t know what is wrong with me. Next time I go in there, I’ll be sure to apologize, although it’ll likely be too late and he won’t remember me.
I need to seriously figure out why I can’t behave rationally in public, or why everybody irritates me. Xanax can’t solve everything, I need to figure out how to be socially polite and stop mentally lashing out at people every time they try to make conversation. Being anxious, or socially challenged, sucks. One time somebody told me I was SAD and I was like screw you I’m not depressed and she was like no… Social Anxiety Disorder = SAD. look into it. I guess I better start taking her seriously.
That’s my rant for today. I’ve been avoiding leaving the house because I’m afraid of my own behavior. I need to get it together so I can go out and do my daily tasks. HAPPY SUNDAY EVERYBODY 
lol
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